2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
