Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
