I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
