Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize