Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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