just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
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