True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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