that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
