remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
