I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
