I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
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