i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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