Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
