were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
