Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
