The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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