a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
