Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
