Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
