you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
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