I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
