You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
