Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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