i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
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cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
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The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
If I die, sorry about rent.
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