i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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