My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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