I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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