Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
