Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
