omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
