my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
