She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I am one with the molecules
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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