I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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