i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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