Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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