At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
27 Parents Confess Shocking Secrets Their Kids Don’t Know
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.