If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
