He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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