did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
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