I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Randomize
