i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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