He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
