and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
