does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
