True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
