Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
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Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
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but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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