How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
