If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
