She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Randomize
