Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
