we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
