my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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