I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
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