Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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