Will you blow on my dice?
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
