just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
