My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
